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Action heroes ain't what they used to be. Sadly, the glory days of Stallone, Van Damme, and Seagal are gone. However, news that Sly is (once again) bringing Rocky out of retirement and the puffy, ponytailed Seagal is developing Under Siege 3 gives us hope. Perhaps if we give them some ink, a Hollywood exec might green-light a flick starring all three titans of talent.

Naturally, we'd love to tackle the script. Van Damme's accent needs an explanation, so the film will be set in the bayou. Stallone will be the leader. And we can hide Seagal's pudgy posterior by shooting him from the waist up. That, and keep him away from the craft service table. Throw in Tara Reid as Sly's daughter, Dom DeLuise as Seagal's mentor, and a note about how the profits (ha!) are going to Katrina victims, and the story writes itself.

Below are some more particulars on the stars of our imaginary film, entitled Three Men and a Nuclear Device. If you like what you read, sign a petition to get our masterpiece made. Maybe throw in a few bucks toward the budget, too.